How to Disagree Like an Adult — Part 3

This post is part of the How to Disagree Like an Adult series. If you missed earlier posts, start here:
👉 Part 1 — When Debate Dies, Insults Take Over
👉 Part 2 — Ideas Aren’t Identities

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Most people think insults are strength.

They’re not.

Insults aren’t proof of righteousness.
They’re the intellectual equivalent of raised hands in surrender.

When someone resorts to personal attacks, labels, or moral judgments instead of engaging your reasoning, that’s not confidence.

That’s capitulation.

Here’s the Brutal Truth

A real argument is about ideas.
A fake argument is about dominance.

Insults signal:

• an inability to engage substance
• a lack of tools for meaningful pushback
• a need to protect identity
• a preference for performance over thinking

If you can’t explain why something is wrong, ask yourself this:

Are you defending the idea —
or defending yourself?

Because those are very different battles.

Insults Don’t Advance the Conversation

They only do three things:

1. Distract
2. Deflect
3. Disable

When the focus shifts from what is true to who is right, the conversation isn’t about truth anymore — it’s about ego.

That’s when debate stops and performance starts.

Real thinkers aren’t impressed by volume.
They’re unimpressed by character attacks.

They look for:

• logic
• evidence
• clarity
• reasoning

Not rhetoric.

Here’s the Shift Most People Avoid

Instead of asking:

“How do I win this argument?”

Ask:

“What do I still need to understand?”

That’s not weakness.
That’s discipline.

You don’t diminish your position by listening —
you reinforce your ability to defend it.

What Insults Really Say

When someone can’t engage your point and resorts to attack, they’re telling you one of two things:

A) They haven’t thought deeply about their own position.
B) They know the position can’t survive scrutiny.

Either way, the insult is a wink — not a weapon.

So What Is Adult Disagreement?

Healthy disagreement looks like:

✔ Asking questions instead of assigning motives
✔ Focusing on the idea, not the person
✔ Clarifying assumptions before rebutting
✔ Offering alternatives rather than negating assertions
✔ Saying “I don’t know” without shame

That’s not softness.
That’s strength.

A Better Question to Ask Yourself in the Moment

When the conversation starts to escalate, check your intent:

Am I trying to understand…
or am I trying to be right?

No one wins when being right becomes more important than being thoughtful.

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Coming Up Next

In Part 4, we’ll go deeper into the actual skills most people never learned — and why civility alone isn’t enough.

Because you can be polite and still be terrible at thinking.

That’s where the real work begins.