The Skills Nobody Taught Us

How to Disagree Like an Adult — Part 4

This post is part of the How to Disagree Like an Adult series. If you haven’t read the earlier posts, start there. This one builds on them.

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So far, I’ve written a lot about what’s broken.

Why debate has collapsed.
Why identity hijacks thinking.
Why insults replace arguments.

Now it’s time to write about something more constructive:

What adult disagreement actually requires.

Because here’s the truth most people miss:

Disagreeing well isn’t about temperament.
It’s about skill.

And many of us were never taught any.

Straw-Manning: The Default Setting

A straw-man argument attacks the weakest, simplest, or most extreme version of someone else’s position.

It sounds like:

• “So what you’re saying is…” (followed by something they didn’t say)
• Oversimplifying complex views
• Arguing against slogans instead of substance
• Beating an argument no one actually made

Straw-manning feels good.
It’s fast.
It’s flattering to the ego.

And it destroys trust instantly.

Because once someone realizes you’re not engaging what they actually believe, the conversation is over—whether they say it or not.

Steel-Manning: The Adult Alternative

A steel-man argument does the opposite.

It starts with discipline.

Before disagreeing, you:

• restate the other person’s position accurately
• represent it in its strongest reasonable form
• acknowledge where it has merit

Only then do you push back.

A simple test:

Could the other person say, “Yes—that’s my view,” before you disagree with it?

If not, you’re not ready to argue yet.

Steel-manning does something powerful:

• it slows the conversation down
• it lowers defensiveness
• it signals good faith

And paradoxically, it makes your disagreement stronger, not weaker.

Skill #1: Listen Without Reloading

Most people listen just long enough to prepare their response.

That’s not listening.
That’s waiting.

Adult disagreement requires restraint:

• don’t interrupt
• don’t assume intent
• don’t mentally draft your rebuttal mid-sentence

Your goal isn’t to win the exchange.
It’s to understand the position well enough to challenge it intelligently.

If you can’t explain the other side fairly, you haven’t earned the right to disagree yet.

Skill #2: Separate Facts, Assumptions, and Values

Many arguments go nowhere because people are arguing different layers without realizing it.

• Facts: what we believe is true
• Assumptions: what we’re taking for granted
• Values: what we prioritize

Adult disagreement makes these explicit.

Instead of escalating, ask:

• “What assumptions are we making here?”
• “Are we disagreeing on facts—or on values?”

That question alone resolves more arguments than any clever comeback ever will.

Skill #3: Tolerate Discomfort Without Escalating

Disagreement is uncomfortable.
That’s normal.

What’s not normal is how quickly we try to escape that discomfort.

Sarcasm, moral framing, dismissiveness, and insults are all avoidance strategies.

Adult disagreement requires staying present long enough to think.

You don’t have to resolve everything.
You don’t have to convince anyone.
You don’t even have to continue the conversation.

But you do have to resist the urge to make it uglier just to feel better.

Skill #4: Say “I Don’t Know” Without Losing Your Spine

This one separates adults from performers.

“I don’t know” doesn’t mean:

• I have no opinion
• I’m backing down
• I’m conceding

It means:

• I need more information
• I haven’t thought this through yet
• I’m willing to update my view

That’s not weakness.
That’s intellectual honesty.

Confidence isn’t pretending to be certain.
It’s being grounded enough to admit uncertainty.

Civility Isn’t Enough (But It Matters)

One important distinction:

You can be polite and still be intellectually dishonest.
You can be civil and still straw-man.

Civility is necessary—but it’s not sufficient.

Adult disagreement requires:

• disciplined thinking
• disciplined behavior

One without the other fails.

Why All This Matters

When people learn these skills, something changes.
When I learned (NOT mastered) these skills, things changed.

Conversations slow down.
Defensiveness drops.
Curiosity reappears.

Not because everyone agrees—
but because disagreement stops feeling like a threat.

That’s how ideas improve.
That’s how trust is built.
That’s how adults argue.

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Coming Up Next

In Part 5, I’ll try to pull everything together.

Not just how to disagree—but how to decide when it’s worth engaging at all.

Because hopeful reconstruction doesn’t mean arguing with everyone.

It means choosing conversations that matter—and walking away from the ones that don’t.

That’s the final skill.