How to Disagree Like an Adult — Part 1

This post is part of the How to Disagree Like an Adult series, exploring why productive disagreement is disappearing—and how to do better.

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Something is broken in how we disagree.

People don’t debate ideas anymore.
They attack people.

Disagree with someone today and you’re rarely met with reasoning or evidence. Instead, you’re told what you are:
ignorant, dangerous, stupid, evil, “on the wrong side of history.”

That’s not debate.
That’s character assassination pretending to be conviction.

And it’s everywhere.

I’ve Seen This Up Close

Years ago, I was in a room with a group of professionals—smart, experienced people—discussing a pretty fundamental issue. Not politics. Not religion. Not anything fringe. Just a disagreement about priorities, tradeoffs, and reality.

I laid out my position clearly:

• what problem I thought we were actually trying to solve
• why some things mattered more than others
• where I believed we were lying to ourselves

At first, the conversation was solid. Questions. Pushback. Healthy tension.

Then the shift happened.

Suddenly, it wasn’t about the ideas anymore.

I was “out of touch.”
“Naive.”
“Dangerous.”

Not once did anyone actually dismantle the argument I made. No one challenged the logic. No one countered the evidence. They just attacked me—my experience, my intent, my credibility.

That was the moment it clicked:

They weren’t trying to find the truth.
They were trying to end the conversation.

Because engaging the ideas honestly would have forced them to confront some uncomfortable realities—about incentives, accountability, and their own roles in the mess.

When Ideas Become Identities, Thinking Stops

Here’s the core problem:

We’ve turned ideas into identities.

Once someone’s belief becomes who they are, disagreement feels like an attack. And when people feel attacked, they don’t think—they defend.

Ego steps in.
Reason steps out.

So instead of asking, “Is this true?”
The question becomes, “What does this say about me?”

That’s when debate dies.

Insults Are Not Strength. They’re Shortcuts.

Here’s a hard truth that makes people uncomfortable:

When someone attacks your character instead of your argument, they’ve already lost.

That doesn’t mean you won.
It means the conversation is no longer about truth.

Insults are a shortcut for people who sense—consciously or not—that their position won’t survive scrutiny. If you can’t defend the idea, discredit the person.

It’s faster.
It’s easier.
And it requires zero intellectual discipline.

Social Media Made This Worse—Much Worse

Nuance doesn’t get rewarded.
Mockery does.

Careful reasoning doesn’t go viral.
Outrage does.

So people perform instead of engage. Over time, they forget how to debate at all. Volume replaces substance. Certainty replaces understanding.

And we confuse confidence with correctness.

Most People Were Never Taught How to Disagree

Healthy disagreement is a skill:

• listening without preparing a counterpunch
• steel-manning instead of straw-manning
• admitting uncertainty
• being willing to be wrong

Those are adult skills.

Insults are what you reach for when you never learned them—or never practiced them.

The Litmus Test

Here’s how you can tell whether you’re in a real discussion or a dead one:

Real debate sounds like:

• “Help me understand how you got there.”
• “Here’s where I think your reasoning breaks down.”
• “I disagree, but I see your point.”

Fake debate sounds like:

• “Only an idiot would believe that.”
• “That tells me everything I need to know about you.”
• “You’re just a [label].”

One is about truth.
The other is about dominance.

You’re Allowed to Opt Out

You don’t owe engagement to people who refuse to think.
You don’t owe explanations to people looking for a fight.
You don’t owe your time to intellectual laziness.

One of the most powerful boundaries you can set today is this:

If you want to debate ideas, I’m in.
If you want to trade insults, I’m out.

Say it—or don’t. Sometimes silence is even louder.

Because the moment insults replace ideas, the conversation isn’t brave, righteous, or meaningful anymore.

It’s just noise.

Lord knows, we already have plenty of that.